John Miller (pictured left) and John Barron (shown right), whom some have speculated were fictitious alter egos of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump, released their respective tax returns this week. The Washington Post, among other second-rate and failing publications, reported that some years ago Mr. Trump posed as Miller and Barron, who represented themselves to be publicists touting Mr. Trump's accomplishments and, on occasion, his sexual prowess. First-rate and award-winning publications such as The National Inquirer, which earlier detailed Ted Cruz's father's association with Lee Harvey Oswald, have remained noticeably silent on this issue.
Reached at his home in an underwater pineapple, Mr. Squarepants refused to confirm or deny these serious allegations and, when pressed, abruptly hung up the phone. Speaking to a raucous crowd in Omaha, Nebraska last week, however, Mr. Trump appeared to slip into Mr. Krabs's character when referencing "me money" with an Irish accent, but quickly returned to the choppy, six-grade level oratory to which we have become accustomed.
Further establishing his bona fides as a well-endowed unifier, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump today announced a multi-million dollar co-branding deal with condom maker Trojan, owner of the Magnum brand of extra-large prophylactics for the well-hung man. "This deal proves Little Marco is full of it when he questions my hand size," Trump tweeted. "I've gotta bigger sack than Liar Ted too," Trump barked, "though maybe not Hillary."
Michigan's besieged Governor, Rick Snyder, today announced profound changes to the City of Flint's infrastructure in response to the city's water crisis. As widely reported, Flint's water supply has been contaminated with lead since the decision was made to switch from Detroit's water system to the Flint River. (One Detroit resident noted the irony that another Michigan town "was more f*&@ed up than Detroit.") Thousands of Flint families have been adversely affected, with hundreds of children suffering from lead poisoning. Although the State has been criticized for ignoring the cries of local residents over the course of many months -- some, believe it or not, have even charged "environmental racism" -- one can hardly quibble with the Governor's aggressive 5-step plan:
Gina McCarthy, Administrator of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, applauded Governor Snyder's announcement, stating that "the State's swift action demonstrates the system of redundancies works exactly as designed." While resisting efforts to politicize the issue, several presidential candidates also weighed in. Dr. Ben Carson, for one, observed that Michigan's prompt remedial measures "proves the crisis has nothing to do with race." Donald J. Trump, for his part, criticized President Obama for visiting a mosque in Baltimore this week instead of going to Flint, tweeting: "Maybe the President is more comfortable with Muslims than 'his own people.' Disgraceful!" Finally, Rafael "Ted" Cruz noted that in his Canadian hometown residents get their water from a well, so he is unfamiliar with the issues affecting Flint, nor in any event does he particularly care about "inner city residents and their values."
Calling their own sexual abuse at the hands of United Nations peacekeeping forces "a small price to pay for peace," the young boys and girls whom UN troops assaulted over the course of several years applauded the UN's efforts to quell the violence in the Central African Republic ("CAR") at a press conference last week. As one of the boys stated amid new reports of sexual abuse, "We understand troops might need to blow off a little steam -- I just wish it didn't hurt so much, and that I would get more than a piece of stale bread in exchange for what they make me do." Another boy, age 7, said: "I think sucking a French soldier's wee wee is worth more than a bottle of water or a few dry cookies. I'm hungry and thirsty!"
Mr. Sandusky also issued a press release from the confines of a Greene County prison, stating: "I intend to make Jo Pa proud again and will do all I can to help the UN navigate these troubled waters." Also serving on the new commission will be His Eminence Cardinal Keith Michael Patrick O'Brien, the Roman Catholic priest who served as the Archbishop of St. Andrews and Edinburgh from 1985 to 2013 (pictured below).
Invoking an obscure New York law still on the books, Donald J. Trump of Manhattan has challenged Rafael "Ted" Cruz, previously of Canada and now of Texas, to a duel. According to both Republican and Democratic historians and scholars, any Canadian-born son of a Cuban father running for President of the United States who impugns the honor of a New Yorker also seeking the presidency can rightfully be challenged to a duel. Legal experts of all stripes seem to agree the colonial law was left untouched precisely for a situation like this.
However, Mr. Cruz claimed under the 1777 Irish Code Duello that he, not Trump, has the right to choose both the venue and weapons. Cruz wants the duel to be held in Ames, Iowa and for the weapons to be rusty spurs from old snake skin cowboy boots, not Middle Eastern shivs.
Asked to comment on his thinking behind picking Palin, Trump said, "Did you see Mama Grizzly's ass on stage tonight? Whoa!" Trump added: "Sarah will nurse that baby boy Justin into submission." Cruz countered: "As a fellow Canadian, Prime Minister Trudeau will serve me well." But after his official statement, Cruz unwittingly lamented in song into an open microphone, "It must be nice, it must be nice to have Sarah on your side. It must be nice, it must be nice to have Sarah on your side...."
Even the most seasoned political pundits are stumped at this odd development. As Larry Sabato of the University of Virginia's Center for Politics noted: "No one saw anything like this coming, not even in such an unpredictable election cycle." Historian and acclaimed author Doris Kearns Goodwin likewise observed, "This is truly stunning. It calls to mind the election of 1800, when Alexander Hamilton endorsed rival Thomas Jefferson over opportunist Aaron Burr." The consensus among electoral experts is that the winner of the Trump-Cruz duel will have the upper hand going into Iowa and then New Hampshire. Or, if Mr. Cruz capitulates and apologizes, he could be seen as weak and thereby lose support amongst the Republican rank and file. Needless to say, the Odd Vegetable will stay on top of this developing story.
The CDC warns that there is no known cure for affluenza, so prevention is key. The ailment is typically passed down from parent to child, though its spread among siblings has been reported anecdotally. In the case of Couch, who at the age of 16 killed four individuals and injured eleven others while driving drunk, the judge sentenced the afflicted teen to probation after an expert testified to Couch's infirmity. Since then, Texas authorities report that Couch violated his probation by drinking to excess and, with the apparent aid of his carrier mother, fleeing the jurisdiction to Mexico after a party.
The affluenza pandemic has not escaped the notice of presidential candidates. Dr. Ben Carson, for example, stated: "We should trust parents to make the right decisions for their children and keep the government out of it." Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush noted that he has successful siblings who have recovered from affluenza, rising to the highest levels of government. And Donald Trump, whom some speculate himself has suffered from affluenza, tweeted: "I've earned everything I have in life after my dad loaned me $1 million and charged me market rate interest."
Meanwhile, Mrs. Clinton's chief rival, Bernie Sanders, released a statement saying only, "Enough with the damn PBF List!"
In a surprise announcement sending shockwaves throughout the world, Barack Hussein Obama abruptly resigned as the 44th President of the United States during his trip to Kenya, renouncing his U.S. citizenship and vowing to "stay home in Kenya." "The Birthers were right all along," the former President glibly confessed with a smirk. "Joke's on them -- I made it through almost seven years as President!" Mr. Obama admitted that he had a Hawaiian birth certificate "ginned up" after questions arose about his birthplace. (Relatedly, reports out of Honolulu are that the Secretary of State, who issued Obama's "original" long-form birth certificate, has fled the jurisdiction.) "I didn't think anyone would actually buy it, or that I could really win in 2008," Mr. Obama said sheepishly.
Asked what he will do with his life now, the former President said that in light of his well received rendition of Amazing Grace at the recent funeral of slain South Carolina pastor Clementa Pinckney, he intended to launch a gospel singing career under the aptly named Capitol Christian Music Group label. "I know I can blow better than Kirk Franklin," Mr. Obama boasted, "and look what he's accomplished." Mr. Obama may also shepherd a small herd of goats on the side, aides say.
Reactions from elected officials and presidential aspirants began pouring in almost immediately. Vice President Joe Biden, who assumes the Presidency, said only that "we should cut Barry some slack -- he's had a hard life." Texas Senator and presidential hopeful Rafael "Ted" Cruz, who himself was born in Canada from the eggs of Surinam Toads (see Odd Vegetable Report of 3/23/15), tweeted: "It is time that we elect someone born closer to home." An outraged Donald Trump chimed in: "I knew it! That fu#*er!" Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell confirmed that a new lawsuit challenging The Affordable Healthcare Act, commonly known as "Obamacare," would be filed this week.
The Odd Vegetable will continue to monitor and report on the ramifications of this historic development.
Penn State University today announced the creation of the J. Dennis Hastert School of Wrestling. Calling the timing "just right," Penn State's Athletic Director stated that the Hastert School demonstrates the University's commitment to taking its wrestling program to the next level. "Denny was an outstanding collegiate wrestler and then a fine high school coach back in the day," Penn State's AD said, "followed by a distinguished career in Congress during which he wrestled with our country's biggest problems." The Hastert School reportedly will be funded by anonymous monthly donations in increments of just under $10,000 in cash.