Angelic sources have confirmed to The Odd Vegetable that God is reconsidering His promise to Noah not to destroy mankind. The angels declined to be identified on the record, lest they incur God's wrath since their public insights are not authorized by the Almighty One.
The I Am That I Am reportedly is most distraught by the Christian Church's willingness to enable and, indeed, embrace Donald J. Trump. "The Creator knows Trump is a despicable man, perhaps one of the few irredeemable people walking the earth today," one angel disclosed, "but the Lily Of The Valley did not think anyone in the Church would actually support him -- at least no true Christian would."
What may ultimately keep God from destroying the world by flood or otherwise, sources confirmed, is the love and racial reconciliation manifested by new laws in Wisconsin and North Carolina designed to protect the integrity of the ballot box. "Padre Dios [translated Father God]," one Latino angel stated, "is heartened that the voter rolls are being purged of the elderly, poor, and minority long-time voters who do not have the time, wherewithal, or resources to obtain original birth certificates or clear other hurdles to maintain their status." "That said," the angel continued, "Abba is hoping states will go back to easier polling requirements, such as literacy tests, so that fewer people are disenfranchised." (The angel handed out one example of an actual voter literacy test from the early 1960s, appended below, which might be acceptable in 2020.)
If the Lord gives advance warning that the Rapture is imminent, either directly or through one of his prophets, The Odd Vegetable will be sure to pass word along -- hopefully in time for last-minute repentance.
SAMPLE LITERACY TEST ACCEPTABLE TO THE GOOD LORD FOR 2020
In a gesture sure to put his rocky relationship with the dishonest mainstream press behind him, Pre$#@&*^ Elect Donald J. Trump today named The Walking Dead's Negan, along with his famous bat, Lucille, Co-White House Press Secretaries. The move is quite unorthodox insofar as there will not be a singular voice on behalf of the administration. That said, experts believe that by naming both Negan and Lucille, Trump is trying to balance his populist message with one of restraint, much like he did with the tandem of Stephen Bannon and Reince Priebus.
Specifically, at 11:59 p.m. on inauguration day, Martin Baron and Dean P. Baquet of the Post and Times, respectively, will be placed in the middle of a circle of White House press pool reporters, where they will meet their fate, courtesy of Negan and Lucille. Political pundits agree that Baron's and Baquet's execution is understandable given how unfair and inaccurate the Failing Washington Post and the Dishonest New York Times were to Trump throughout the 2016 election season. The sentence will be streamed live on The Alex Jones Show.
Much as he did the day after Trump's election, outgoing President Obama again called for unity, stating: "Let's give Little Barron a chance." Potential cabinet appointee New Gingrich asked everyone "to calm down," contending that "Barron is a real trooper, and is fair." Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway, whom many had expected to be named White House Press Secretary, simply tweeted, "I am Negan."
Dear Citizens of what is currently known as the United States of America,
On Friday, October 28, 2016, I checked out Nate Silver's website fivethirtyeight.com and saw that Hillary had an 81.1% chance of winning the election. I thought she was a shoe-in. I was afraid that after Hillary won, it would come out that the FBI had come across a bunch of emails on Anthony Weiner's laptop, and I would be accused of sitting on evidence to help her. So I decided to send my fateful letter to Congress that same day.
I was just trying to cover my ass. Nothing more, nothing less.
Some of you might be asking why I waited until 10 days before the election to send the letter, since I knew about the emails on Weiner's laptop for several weeks. (I didn't mean for my letter to be misleading about how long I had known about the emails -- sorry!) Well, I was actually trying to time it so that my letter couldn't possibly affect things; I thought if it was close enough to the election, it wouldn't matter. After all, as much as I hate Hillary, I knew better than to try to help that unstable nut job get anywhere near the nuclear codes. Others might ask why we didn't just look at the emails when we first found them in September. Well, I don't have a good answer for that. All I will say is, have you ever tried to get government workers to review tens of thousands of emails over a weekend? At least we were able to look at them the week before the election (thank you Loretta!), and rile up Trump voters one last time by clearing Hillary again on November 6th. Boy, did that backfire too.
I never, ever thought I could actually tip the election toward that lunatic. I really didn't. I did not believe that ostensibly good people -- moderate Republic women, true Christians, disaffected blue collar workers -- would or could overlook the venom, violence and, yes, racism that Trump spawned. Maybe they are not such good people after all. But who am I to judge.
The silver lining in all this is that I don't think I screwed up our country for more than a few generations. Our response to climate change can wait a few years, right? And the hate Trump has unleashed should recede to the shadows before the end of this century. At least I hope so.
I pray that you, your children, and your grandchildren will forgive me one day. I'm really not a bad guy. A little hyper-transparent perhaps, but my heart is in the right place. And maybe the history books won't be too hard on me. If there is a history....
Very truly yours,
The Odd Vegetable previously reported on the Trump Transition Team's announcement of key Presidential appointments, including Ted Cruz as White House Gimp; Ben Carson as Chief White House Butler; Chris Christie as Head Eunuch; Rudolf Giuiliani as Lamplighter; and Donald Trump Jr. as Chief Dick. (See The Odd Vegetable 11/10/16) Anonymous sources within the Transition Team are now confirming to The Odd Vegetable that Pre$#@&*^ Elect Donald J. Trump will soon name additional appointments. Cementing his role as an outsider, sources expect Trump will break from longstanding tradition by reaching out to fictional characters to help shape our government. Trump's first cabinet-level appointment, for example, will be the meme Pepe the Frog as Secretary of Education. Although considered by some to be a racist figure of the so-called Alt Right, Pepe comes highly recommended by Trump campaign advisor Steve Bannon of Breitbart News. Pepe is sure to inspire a generation of young people to aspire to greater things, just as it was a positive and unifying symbol for a substantial and vocal portion of the electorate.
Additional forthcoming appointments will include:
Sources indicate that these appointments are meant to reflect Pre$#@&*^ Elect Trump's desire for an inclusive and diverse government. In particular, sources note (off the record) that Dora -- who is hardly a "10" in Trump's eyes and does not have the Eastern European look Trump craves -- will likely appeal to the growing Latino population, a surprising percentage of which voted for Trump. (Those same officials are quietly hopeful Dora does not go on an eating binge, as did Miss Venezuela some years ago, lest Dora be subjected to Trump's public ridicule.) The Joker may spark the most controversy, given his skepticism of mad-made climate change, but he may be more palatable to environmentalist than certain science-doubting energy executives who were reportedly on the short list. Doc Ock is an obvious choice, and will likely sail through confirmation.
Rounding out this wave of appointments will be:
Barron, whom some erroneously believed was Trump's alter ego, has the least government experience of the group. That said, Barron is well known to have Trump's confidence. Underwood, who was one of the first fictional characters to endorse Trump (see The Odd Vegetable 6/14/16), is just the sort of unethical SOB who might fit right in. Finally, the ghost of Andrew Jackson -- a populist in his own right back in the day -- sees eye-to-eye with Trump on matters of fiscal policy (not to mention race).
Liberal groups are breathing a collective sigh of relief from this wave of soon-to-be-announced appointments. Indeed, Democrats had feared a goblins row of cabinet appointments from the likes of Rudolph Giuiliani (who, as noted above, will be Lamplighter rather than Attorney General), Newt Gingrich, General Michael Flynn, and others deemed by many to be too unstable and too extreme. Nonetheless, a handful of naysayers and conspiracy theorists (e.g. The Failing Washington Post) are critical of Trump's appointment of fictional characters, which they argue will allow Trump and Trump alone to rule autocratically, without real voices of actual people to temper his authoritarian tendencies.
Vice President Elect Mike Pence predicted Comey "will bring his hallmark fair-mindedness and independence to the blind trust, which will be necessary since we have no damn clue what Trump owns or owes, much less where or to whom." Hillary Clinton likewise applauded Comey's appointment, stating: "Comey obviously cares very little about protecting his own ass and is concerned only with the well-being of the American people."
POST ELECTION UPDATE: It turns out the pollsters were wrong. The electorate is actually comprised of 43% -- not 36% -- dumb f*!@ racists, and 4.7% racist enablers. Electoral analysis Nate Silver offered a mea culpa: "The mainstream polls obviously undercounted the dumb-f*!@ racist vote, particularly in swing states, as well as a small but monolithic block of racist enablers that tipped the results in Mr. Trump's favor." The undercounting of deep-seated racism in the 2016 election is sure to undermine confidence in the polling industry for years to come.
ORIGINAL POST: The first poll since Donald J. Trump's trip to Mexico reveals that the Republican nominee has a commanding lead over Democratic rival Hillary Clinton among likely dumb f*!@ racist voters. The data shows that Trump's fiery defense of aggressive anti-immigration policies in his Arizona speech last week appears to have solidified his standing among dumb f*!@ racists.
The poll -- conducted by the failing Washington Post -- reveals that Trump holds a significant lead over Clinton across all dumb f*!@ racist demographics. Trump significantly outpaces Clinton among likely dumb f*!@ racist voters overall, as the following chart demonstrates:
Trump holds an even more commanding lead among uneducated dumb f*!@ racist likely voters, with Libertarian Party nominee Gary Johnson, and Green Party candidate Jill Stein, trailing far behind:
According to the poll, Clinton has made some inroads among college educated dumb f*!@ racist voters, though she still trails Trump by a wide margin, as the following pie chart demonstrates:
Trump fares best among evangelical dumb f*!@ racist likely voters, which is proving helpful to Trump in the key state of Iowa:
While this data is good news for the Trump camp, the problem for Trump is that only 36% of the general electorate is comprised of likely dumb f*!@ racist voters. (A higher percentage of dumb f*!@ racists are registered but are unlikely to vote in November). Thus, in order to win in November, Trump must capture a sizable portion of racist enablers and apathetic non-racists. On this score, the fact that so-called mainstream Republicans such as House Speak Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell continue to endorse Trump could be enough to put Trump over the top in November. History can then judge whether these "non-racist Republicans" contributed to Trump's ultimate success in the general election.
Vowing to hit the ground running on Day One, Pre$#@&*^ Elect Donald J. Trump today announced an ambitious plan for his first 100 days in office. Among the most noteworthy policies Trump intends to implement immediately (some by executive order) are the following:
The Trump Transition Team also began releasing the names of key Presidential appointments, including:
Finally, Trump announced the formation of a new Presidential Commission on Christian Hypocrisy, to be co-chaired by Mike Pence and Jerry Falwell Jr.
In a demonstration of national unity that can only be witnessed in the greatest country the earth has even known, outgoing President Barack Obama and Democratic leaders encouraged all Americans to give Trump's bold plan and impressive team a chance to succeed.
Within hours of his much-criticized interview on a Russian television network, Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump took his bromance with Russian leader Vladimir Putin to unprecedented levels by riding on the back of a horse with a bare-chested Putin on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, where Trump had been campaigning, and entering a time machine for a blissful journey to the glory days of the Soviet Union circa 1971. Removing his hands from around Putin's broad shoulders and lifting two thumbs into the air, Trump yelled to a shell-shocked press corps: "F*&^ the failing Washington Post, the Clinton News Network [CNN], and the rest of the mainstream press. I am finally free to love whom I love, when I want to love him, and where!" Immediately after Trump's emotional outburst, Putin could be seen turning his head and whispering, "I love you, Donny." Earlier in the day, Putin had issued a press release stating in part: "You idiots thought my bromance with Donny was about Crimea, or power, or Donny's undisclosed financial dealings in Russia. No, this is and has always been about true love. Goodbye, comrades...."
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton harshly criticized Trump for his latest show of affection for Putin. "It was borderline treasonous for Donald to go on Russian TV and criticize his own country in the first instance. This, needless to say, is beyond the pale." Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, however, continues to endorse Trump over Clinton, tweeting: "While I certainly disagree with Trump's chumminess with Putin, Trump is our party's nominee, and I will continue to support him." Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to comment on Trump's maneuver, stating in a pithy press release: "I am focusing on my job serving the American people in the Senate and have nothing to say about the presidential campaign."
Doing her best to spin this news, Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, stated that "Donald simply wanted to get back to a proud time for both our countries, with Vladimir at his side. Nothing more, nothing less." "America was pretty great in 1971," Conway added. In light of Trump's abrupt departure, FiveThirtyEight.com's "poll-only" election model has Clinton with a 57.1% chance of winning in November, while the "poll-plus" model estimates Clinton's chances at 53.6%. If Clinton coughs again at any point during the remaining weeks of the campaign, however, FiveThirtyEight's Nate Silver predicts that the race will tighten further -- with or without Giuiliani's continued insightful analysis of Clinton's medical state.
Donald J. Trump's purported alter egos, John Miller and John Barron (pictured far left and far right, respectively), today came to the defense of embattled former congressman Anthony Weiner (pictured middle) after news broke that Weiner had fallen victim to another sexting episode, and that Weiner's wife, Hillary Clinton advisor Huma Abedin, had dumped Weiner as a result of this latest transgression. This is another example of Miller and Barron breaking from their mentor on an important policy question. (The Odd Vegetable previously reported on Miller's and Barron's release of their personal tax returns in advance of the Republican convention. See TOV 5/20/16, Miller and Barron Release Tax Returns; Trump Still Refuses.)
Asked to reply to Miller and Barron, Trump dismissed them as unscrupulous. "For all we know, they are chummy with [Russian-born, mob-linked businessman] Felix Slater, which I read about in The National Enquirer." Trump further stated. "I don't know if The Enquirer is right or wrong -- though I will say they are right a lot of the time -- but having a pal like Slater is scary stuff." Trump later tweeted: "Slater seen leaving Miller's and Barron's office tower -- what was he doing there?! Dangerous!" While Slater has close confirmed ties to Miller, The Odd Vegetable has been unable to substantiate a link between Slater and Barron. (Slater is pictured left below, Miller right.)
Trump's Long-Time Psychiatrist Confirms That If Elected, Trump Would Be The Most Sane Psychopathic President Ever
While a letter from Republic nominee Donald J. Trump's gastroenterologist (pictured below) attesting to Mr. Trump's physical health has garnered significant attention, the equally objective certification from Mr. Trump's long-time psychiatrist as to his mental state somehow has been overlooked by the mainstream media. The Odd Vegetable, however, has obtained an exclusive copy of the psychiatrist's letter. Among the psychiatrist's most salient observations about Mr. Trump's acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder are the following:
The letter thus concludes as it begins: "To Whom My [sic] Concern: If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the most sane psychopath ever elected to the presidency, or at least since least Richard M. Nixon."
Whether the release of the letter from Mr. Trump's psychiatrist will assuage the public's fears, as did the opinion of his gastroenterologist, remains to be seen.
Frank "FU" Underwood of House of Cards fame today enthusiastically endorsed Donald Trump for real-life President. Calling Trump "the only remaining soulless SOB capable of dividing America and sufficiently stoking fear," the (allegedly) fictional character resoundingly embraced Trump as the would-be leader of the actual free world. "You think I held the press accountable by pushing a reporter in front of a moving subway, wait till Donald gets his hands on real police power," Underwood said in a press conference shortly after Trump rescinded credentials for the "dishonest Washington Post."
Within hours of the endorsement, Trump presented Underwood with an honorary degree from Trump University, as well as a $25,000 check to a pro-Underwood PAC. Trump and Underwood denied any connection between the endorsement and donation, however, just as there was no link between Trump's contribution to Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi's campaign within days of her office dropping an investigation of Trump University, or Trump's donation to then-Attorney General (now Governor) Greg Abbott shortly after Texas pulled the plug on a similar Trump U. fraud probe.